Train Humor

Late Train--
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

The Train Lantern--
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

Train Crash--
Roy is applying for a high paying executive job at the railroad and during the interview, an inspector asks him, "What would you do if you saw two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Roy says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I’d use the manual lever." answers Roy.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" asks the inspector.
"I’d use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"I’d use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"If that happened," Roy answers, " I'd run home and get Carla. "
The inspector asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because Carla has never seen a train crash."

The Sleeping Carriage--
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."